Safe Sex in Elevators and Other Awkward Situations

Everybody hates using elevators...I hate the elevator in my building because it is the slowest and most ancient elevator in the entire city of Chicago. It frequently breaks down and I always share it with people in the building that I feel like I should know but I don't. Last nite as i walk in the building to the elevator myself, a fat guy that lives down the hall (hereafter known as "Chuck" even though I don't think that's his real name)and a group of giggly semi-intoxicated girls were waiting to board the elevator, which was on the top floor waiting to come down.

The elevator was taking longer than usual, and one of the girls didn't like it and ceased giggling and began to whine. She turned to her friend, wearing clothes that fit 100 cheeseburgers ago, who seemed to ignore her whining. After all, who wants to whine where theres giggling to be done! The whining girl, who looked like an overly tan Chelsea Clinton, then turned to me, sighed loudly, and did this shrug with her eyebrows, to get some attention from someone. Almost as if her attention quote was almost due for the day and her's wasnt' even half full. I averted my eyes, and the Chelsea look alike, in all of her tanness, turned to Chubby Chuck for sympathy, saw him, thought the better of it, and just looked at the ceiling instead. Hey, at least a ceiling can't ignore you

After standing there awkwardly next to "Chuck" listening to the girls giggle, the elevator finally arrives, and a very happy couple walks out. We clear the way for them and start to get on the elevator, we see a condom wrapper on the floor of the elevator. The giggling immediately stops, then commences upon sighting the condom. Except for Tan Chelsea, she lets out an "ew" and appears on the verge of whining about it but changes her mind. The elevator giggling, though, is more subdued...for it is the unwritten code that all conversation should be limited on an elevator, and should be replaced by slight shifting, sighing, and staring at your shoes.

Now, because this is the slowest elevator ever, the door hasn't even closed yet, but you could tell what was on everyone's mind (except for cheeseburger girl who was probably dreaming of BK) Was that couple doing it on the top floor? Is that why it took even longer than usual? This thought process was validated when the Alpha Female of the group whispered...OMG that's why she was smiling. The giggling then got a little louder. We all assumed and thought of theories for what had happened on the elevator, but all i could think about was...could that have been Loud Sex Girl??? Dammit, I didn't get a close enough look at her! And I should have gotten a picture. But hey, at least she's being safe when she takes it up the back end.

At this time the door FINALLY closes and at the same time, the fat guy lets out a strategic fart. I could tell what he was trying to do. Being fat, he can't hold his farts in like a normal, healthy person, and has to let them out every few minutes. So he waited for the elevator door to clatter and rumble a little bit to let out what he hoped would be a smelless and noiseless fart. However, it was neither of these. The noise was quite apparent, and several of the girls has to stifle their giggles after hearing "chuck" let one.

The smell slowly sept through the elevator, luckily it stopped and the door started to open. My floor, thank God. Being at the front of the elevator, i got off first and mumbled a "by guys", not realize the fact that everybody was getting off on this floor. Not only did they live on my floor, they lived a few apartments down from me. Wow I really need to meet some people in this building.

Needless to say, I am anticipating another very awkward elevator experience soon...hopefully without the sex and farting.