Stupidity

I watched a guy cross the street while talking on a cell phone today, and he almost got hit by three different cars...at one intersection...that had a 4 way stop. How do you get almost hit at an all way stop? I just can't explain it but I have come up with some very true assumptions.

1. People get 25% more stupid when they get behind the wheel of a car.

2. People get 15% more stupid when they hold a cell phone in their hand. Add an Extra 7% to that for when they're actually talking on a cell phone. Then add 10% to the initial 15% if they are texting.

3. When its raining outside people lose at least 33.3% of their IQ. So, that's an entire third of their intelligence.

4. When its snowing that percentage shoots up to 45%

Therefore, If someone is driving and texting while it is snowing...they are using only 5% of their intelligence. But hey, that's still 4% more than the contestants on "Flavor of Love 3"

The Consequences of Loud Sex

If you live in a city like me, chances are you live in an apartment or condo building with a diverse array of neighbors. As for me, there are a lot of people living close to me. In this particular building, one of my neighbors has been dubbed by the rest of us as "Loud Sex Girl" (or LSG for short). Loud sex girl is loud with everything she does. When she is on the phone she is loud. When she is listening to music she is loud. When she has friends over she is loud. And, most importantly, when she is getting plowed she is loud.

The first time I heard loud sex girl I thought she was being attacked. All that grunting made me think that something was terribly wrong across the hall. However, after i heard her should "ohhhhhh yeah" and then a string of words I cannot repeat, i figured out what was happening.

Now, LSG gets it a lot...and i mean a lot...seems to be at least once a day. Whether it is with another person or machine, i don't know. Her male partners generally remain silent, except for that one time I heard 3 guys....um...yeah. Anyway. LSG also has an experimental side. On one particular occasion she was violently shouting at the top of her lungs, letting the entire building know that someone was trying to enter her through a back door. But it seemed as though she was narrating everything that was happening to her, "oh my God I can't believe i'm taking it..." you get the idea. I couldn't really tell if she was enjoying it or not...she told her partner to stop many times, but then she just kept trying it a few minutes later all night. It kind of reminded me of a lab rat getting repeatedly shocked in an experiment. But, i digress. To my knowledge she hasn't tried it since, or she hasn't been so loud about it, at least.

All of this loudness doesn't come without consequence. Signs have been put up in the elevators of the building stating, "If you are going to be with that woman who moans so loudly, please shove a sock in her mouth" to the more direct, "shut up loud sex woman".

The wikipedia page that is Loud Sex Girl's life has many many many different authors. It even has special section headers about her forrays into group sex and sodomy. Unfortunately, her metaphorical wikipedia page also has many readers. Please, LSG, be quiet. And if you reading this, and think you may be an LSG or LSB. Keep it down. Because everyone CAN hear you.