Loud Sex Girl Strikes Again

You read about her previous adventure taking it up the butt. Well, she's at it again. Maybe you care, maybe its too much info, but i'm telling you anyway. After a few minutes of the typical moaning that causes my neighbor to turn his TV up she actually said: "Ok, ok we can try again, but this time use real lube."

Now, this begs the question...real lube? What was he using before? Butter? Oil? (Remember these two aren't too smart so the possibilities are many and HILARIOUS)

Ok, so here is the play by play. She is saying OW a bunch, but just said keep going but slower. Clearly it doesn't hurt as it did before when she was screaming to the heavens for him to exit.

Now its all pretty standard fair...nothing too hilarious. But wait! The plot thickens.

The typically silent man is now shouting and cussing up a storm. LSG is apologizing profusely and asked for a towel. Her exact words: "Get a towel dumbass fast!"

What has just occured, I can only guess (and I bet you can too). However, this is too gross for me now, its time for me to turn my TV up as well. Until the next.

It's Me! Every Girl Ever!

Say this in a Philadelphia Craigslist Posting. I had to share it. Read. Enjoy

"It's Me! Every Girl Ever!"


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Safe Sex in Elevators and Other Awkward Situations

Everybody hates using elevators...I hate the elevator in my building because it is the slowest and most ancient elevator in the entire city of Chicago. It frequently breaks down and I always share it with people in the building that I feel like I should know but I don't. Last nite as i walk in the building to the elevator myself, a fat guy that lives down the hall (hereafter known as "Chuck" even though I don't think that's his real name)and a group of giggly semi-intoxicated girls were waiting to board the elevator, which was on the top floor waiting to come down.

The elevator was taking longer than usual, and one of the girls didn't like it and ceased giggling and began to whine. She turned to her friend, wearing clothes that fit 100 cheeseburgers ago, who seemed to ignore her whining. After all, who wants to whine where theres giggling to be done! The whining girl, who looked like an overly tan Chelsea Clinton, then turned to me, sighed loudly, and did this shrug with her eyebrows, to get some attention from someone. Almost as if her attention quote was almost due for the day and her's wasnt' even half full. I averted my eyes, and the Chelsea look alike, in all of her tanness, turned to Chubby Chuck for sympathy, saw him, thought the better of it, and just looked at the ceiling instead. Hey, at least a ceiling can't ignore you

After standing there awkwardly next to "Chuck" listening to the girls giggle, the elevator finally arrives, and a very happy couple walks out. We clear the way for them and start to get on the elevator, we see a condom wrapper on the floor of the elevator. The giggling immediately stops, then commences upon sighting the condom. Except for Tan Chelsea, she lets out an "ew" and appears on the verge of whining about it but changes her mind. The elevator giggling, though, is more subdued...for it is the unwritten code that all conversation should be limited on an elevator, and should be replaced by slight shifting, sighing, and staring at your shoes.

Now, because this is the slowest elevator ever, the door hasn't even closed yet, but you could tell what was on everyone's mind (except for cheeseburger girl who was probably dreaming of BK) Was that couple doing it on the top floor? Is that why it took even longer than usual? This thought process was validated when the Alpha Female of the group whispered...OMG that's why she was smiling. The giggling then got a little louder. We all assumed and thought of theories for what had happened on the elevator, but all i could think about was...could that have been Loud Sex Girl??? Dammit, I didn't get a close enough look at her! And I should have gotten a picture. But hey, at least she's being safe when she takes it up the back end.

At this time the door FINALLY closes and at the same time, the fat guy lets out a strategic fart. I could tell what he was trying to do. Being fat, he can't hold his farts in like a normal, healthy person, and has to let them out every few minutes. So he waited for the elevator door to clatter and rumble a little bit to let out what he hoped would be a smelless and noiseless fart. However, it was neither of these. The noise was quite apparent, and several of the girls has to stifle their giggles after hearing "chuck" let one.

The smell slowly sept through the elevator, luckily it stopped and the door started to open. My floor, thank God. Being at the front of the elevator, i got off first and mumbled a "by guys", not realize the fact that everybody was getting off on this floor. Not only did they live on my floor, they lived a few apartments down from me. Wow I really need to meet some people in this building.

Needless to say, I am anticipating another very awkward elevator experience soon...hopefully without the sex and farting.

Big Dick Days

Well, I just had one of those days...one of those GREAT days. A big dick day. Guys should know what I'm talking about, one of those days when your tool feel a little bit wider, a little bit longer, and you can walk the streets with confidence.

Some days you can have the opposite...tiny dick days....i won't even get into that. It may be the humidity, may be the temperature, it feel like after you've exited a chlorine filled pool.

But on the big days you will do things that you do not normally do. You will smile at girls walking down the street. Hell, you may even give them a cocky nod, as to say "how you doin'" without actually having to say the famous line. You'll cross the street in front of cars with more confidence, and those cars will stop...for they can just tell.

However, these kinds of well endowed days cannot be replicated through the use of "natural male enhancement" such as Enzyte. No, in order to get the full effect they must be natural, random, and spontaneous days.

Can girls have the same kind of thing? Do girls have "tight pussy days", where they're just smelling fresher and feeling tighter?

Until your next BDD.

chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried!

Hilarious! Chuck Norris Facts on the Best Damn Sports Show Period

Crack is Wack, Bitch

This is like the Halloween video, kind of funny, but stupid too.

ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR COSTUME IDEAS

It's not too late for Halloween costume ideas. Still need something fast? Here are some quick and easy costume ideas for every body type that will surely frighten everyone at your party.

If you are a...Fat Caucasian Man

Costume...Rosie O'Donnell

How to create...This one is easy. You can wear your regular attire..preferable a matching sport coat and pants and some sort of button up shirt. Get a short brown wig, a flinger for kush balls and be sure to argue with everyone you see!

If you are a...Slightly chunky teenie bopper

Costume...Britney Spears

How to create...black sparkly bra and panties, bad weave, bag of cheetos, several vicodin, 2 baby dolls you can neglect.

If you are...anorexic and missing some teeth

Costume...Amy Winehouse

How to create...find a large jar, fix it on top of your head...spray paint it black. Don't forget to knock out a few teeth and get some fake tattoos. Take a pushpin to your forearm a few times to simulate real heroin injection spots!

If you are...loud and/or a muppet

Costume...VH1's New York

How to create. Lots of fake hair, lots of make up, fake boobs, loud and obnoxious personality. For that extra effect, get another person to be your camera man

The Crazy/Hot/Bitch Continuum

I was talking with my friend the other day when the topic of the Crazy/Hot/Bitch Continuum came up. He had never heard of this before, which was shocking so i took it upon myself to educate him.
Now, everybody knows the basic principle. If a girl is really hot, its ok if she's crazy or a bitch. However, her craziness or bitchiness cannot exceed her hotness. This very principle is explained efficiently and excellently in this line graph i have concocted.As it shows, a girl with a crazy factor of "4" is acceptable only if she meets or exceeds a hot factor of 4. girls MUST stay at or above the red line.

This may require an example for maximum educational value.

Exhibit 1: Britney Spears.



5 years ago Britney spears would have been low on the crazy level and high on the hot level making her a perfect catch...she would be well above the red line. Even if she was as crazy as she is now, had she had her previous looks she probably still would have been on or close to the red line making her acceptable. Today, though, Britney does not meet the hot/crazy/bitch standards and falls well below the red line.

The same rule applies to girls who are bitches. replace the "crazy" with 'bitch" and it works just as well. The perfect example of this Madonna. Madonna is a huge bitch, but alas she is no longer hot. Therefore she would also fall below the red line.

Please, implement the use of this graph and methodology. Use it discreetly, however, and good luck

Famous People Who Smell

Another BRILLIANT list from Maxim, entitled, Famous People who look like they smell.

hahahahahaha

Its like they knew just what i was thinking.



The list includes Flava Flav and Louie Anderson, among other gems...but who's missing? Thoughts?

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST