It's Me! Every Girl Ever!

Say this in a Philadelphia Craigslist Posting. I had to share it. Read. Enjoy

"It's Me! Every Girl Ever!"


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Safe Sex in Elevators and Other Awkward Situations

Everybody hates using elevators...I hate the elevator in my building because it is the slowest and most ancient elevator in the entire city of Chicago. It frequently breaks down and I always share it with people in the building that I feel like I should know but I don't. Last nite as i walk in the building to the elevator myself, a fat guy that lives down the hall (hereafter known as "Chuck" even though I don't think that's his real name)and a group of giggly semi-intoxicated girls were waiting to board the elevator, which was on the top floor waiting to come down.

The elevator was taking longer than usual, and one of the girls didn't like it and ceased giggling and began to whine. She turned to her friend, wearing clothes that fit 100 cheeseburgers ago, who seemed to ignore her whining. After all, who wants to whine where theres giggling to be done! The whining girl, who looked like an overly tan Chelsea Clinton, then turned to me, sighed loudly, and did this shrug with her eyebrows, to get some attention from someone. Almost as if her attention quote was almost due for the day and her's wasnt' even half full. I averted my eyes, and the Chelsea look alike, in all of her tanness, turned to Chubby Chuck for sympathy, saw him, thought the better of it, and just looked at the ceiling instead. Hey, at least a ceiling can't ignore you

After standing there awkwardly next to "Chuck" listening to the girls giggle, the elevator finally arrives, and a very happy couple walks out. We clear the way for them and start to get on the elevator, we see a condom wrapper on the floor of the elevator. The giggling immediately stops, then commences upon sighting the condom. Except for Tan Chelsea, she lets out an "ew" and appears on the verge of whining about it but changes her mind. The elevator giggling, though, is more subdued...for it is the unwritten code that all conversation should be limited on an elevator, and should be replaced by slight shifting, sighing, and staring at your shoes.

Now, because this is the slowest elevator ever, the door hasn't even closed yet, but you could tell what was on everyone's mind (except for cheeseburger girl who was probably dreaming of BK) Was that couple doing it on the top floor? Is that why it took even longer than usual? This thought process was validated when the Alpha Female of the group whispered...OMG that's why she was smiling. The giggling then got a little louder. We all assumed and thought of theories for what had happened on the elevator, but all i could think about was...could that have been Loud Sex Girl??? Dammit, I didn't get a close enough look at her! And I should have gotten a picture. But hey, at least she's being safe when she takes it up the back end.

At this time the door FINALLY closes and at the same time, the fat guy lets out a strategic fart. I could tell what he was trying to do. Being fat, he can't hold his farts in like a normal, healthy person, and has to let them out every few minutes. So he waited for the elevator door to clatter and rumble a little bit to let out what he hoped would be a smelless and noiseless fart. However, it was neither of these. The noise was quite apparent, and several of the girls has to stifle their giggles after hearing "chuck" let one.

The smell slowly sept through the elevator, luckily it stopped and the door started to open. My floor, thank God. Being at the front of the elevator, i got off first and mumbled a "by guys", not realize the fact that everybody was getting off on this floor. Not only did they live on my floor, they lived a few apartments down from me. Wow I really need to meet some people in this building.

Needless to say, I am anticipating another very awkward elevator experience soon...hopefully without the sex and farting.

Tom Cruise Brings, yet again, even more CRAZY, again

So I'm sure that most of you have seen that CRAZY Tom Cruise video in which he talks about scientology. Its been out there for a while, but if you dont' know much about it Tom, among other crazy claims, says that a scientologist is the only person who can help in car accidents, and are the ultimate authority for addictions and psychology. Mmmmkay.

Here's a reminder video for you from TMZ.

Yes, the video even includes that crazy laugh. Cause, even Tom knows, there's nothing more hilarious than claiming that only scientologists can help an addict. You know, cause addicts are so vulnerable and need some sort of a dependent belief system to take advantage of them during a very weak period in their lives. Naturally, scientology comes to the rescue! And I'm sure they'll give you a discount on your mandatory donation to the L. Ron Fund.

Also hilarious is the claim that only scientologists can help accident victims. Yeah, that makes sense, the scientologists in LA are just traffic magicians. Cause there are never any traffic jams or accidents on LA freeways, right?

Couldn't they have at least picked something to be masters of that happen infrequently in LA...like snow. Maybe scientology should have claimed to be helpful in creating beautiful, sunny weather. That would at least show some thought.

The tell-all Cruise book will come out soon...alleging among other things that Katie was impregnated ala Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. That's not so shocking....its actually how i pictured it happening. Tom and his creepy friends drugged his new wife...resurrected and reanimated the corpse of L Ron Hubbard, and everyone watched as the corpse violated Katie Holmes. And Suri is such a cute baby too! I wonder how long they'll be able to hide the hooven feet and tail.

SHOCKER! Reality Shows Not Real!

In what may be the most blatantly obvious news I've brought since I declared that Jessica Simpson is an Idiot, it seems that those celebrity dating shows are, in fact........ FAKE.

I'll give you a moment to calm yourself.

Remember Delishees from Flavor of Love? Well she is alleging that Flav never returns her calls, now that the show is over. So, you mean, that she wasn't faking her interest in Flava Flav just for the 15 minutes? She is actually upset that he hasnt' called her after the show? That's the most shocking part to me. How anybody could actually want that wrinkled and smelly old gremlin is WAY beyond my realm of comprehension. I mean are we really expected to believe that this group of...Ladies (and by ladies i mean ex-hookers hellbent on fame) could want this man. I mean none of those girls was anything to get excited about...the Best of the best of those girls was only a 5 out of 10, the rest averaging out to a 3.4. But on the hot-o-meter, flav is only a 1.4 (mostly thanks to his musty aroma), leaving most of those girls out of his league.


Other outlets are reporting that Tila Tequila isn't even a real bisexual, but faking it for the publicity. This is incredible. I mean, as a skanky myspace ho, she had a lot of integrity. That she would use a cable based reality program to further her fame blows my mind. Speaking of blowing...who did she have to to get that program? Couldn't they have found some other F list celebrity to pretend to be bi...maybe one who didn't act like an annoying robot?

anyway, by the time that A Shot of Love 2 comes out I'm sure that Tila and her "acquaitance" Bobby will have a nice excuse for why they broke up. After all the show has some creative writers...or are they on strike?

Really all the proof you need that the shows are fake are on the "reunion specials" Isn't it nice that they always break up on the reunion special. Of course, purely coincidental.

For more information on on how annoyingness and hotness relate see my blog on The Crazy & Hot Continuum.

Bring in the Clowns

According to a recent British study, most people are afraid of clowns. No, make that terrified of clowns. Is this really a surprise to anyone? Clowns have been scaring most of us since seeing Stephen King's "IT" at a young age. And besides, clowns are just unnatural. They are men dressed like hobos with painted faces. Why are their faces painted...because its funny? No, its because they have something to hide. And does anybody really want somebody that has something to hide trying to entertain/terrify them as a child? I think not.

Does the clown's Union universally despise Stephen King for ruining their image. Essentially, he put the idea of clown hating over the edge. His book/movie was what really pushed the fear of clowns into over drive. I wonder if after King's book became a best seller he was quietly sitting in his house...when all of a sudden a tiny car pulls up, 9 clowns get out and angrily confront him, rough him up a little, and tell him they don't wanna have to visit again.

Big Dick Days

Well, I just had one of those days...one of those GREAT days. A big dick day. Guys should know what I'm talking about, one of those days when your tool feel a little bit wider, a little bit longer, and you can walk the streets with confidence.

Some days you can have the opposite...tiny dick days....i won't even get into that. It may be the humidity, may be the temperature, it feel like after you've exited a chlorine filled pool.

But on the big days you will do things that you do not normally do. You will smile at girls walking down the street. Hell, you may even give them a cocky nod, as to say "how you doin'" without actually having to say the famous line. You'll cross the street in front of cars with more confidence, and those cars will stop...for they can just tell.

However, these kinds of well endowed days cannot be replicated through the use of "natural male enhancement" such as Enzyte. No, in order to get the full effect they must be natural, random, and spontaneous days.

Can girls have the same kind of thing? Do girls have "tight pussy days", where they're just smelling fresher and feeling tighter?

Until your next BDD.

Jessica Simpson tops Satan on Most Hated Poll

In a recent poll, Jessica Simpson topped the anti-christ and the greatest villans of the twentieth century on Texans' most hated list. The Cowboys lost the playoffs and now they need a scapegoat. After all, Jessica Simpson is smart enough to mastermind the sabotage of her boyfriends game, right? Tuna anyone?

Those wacky Texans. They love their football so much that when they lose it can't be their team's fault, no, its the bad vibes caused by a random idiot in the stands.

But, maybe their on to something. Perhaps she has jinxed the career of her boyfriend. After all, she jinxed Nick lachey's and her own career. And what happened to Dane Cook and John Mayer after she was done with them? NOT MUCH

So there we have it. The Texans are right, Jessica Simpson is a career killing Black Widow. Tony Romo...it may be too late for you. To the rest of this vampire's potential suitors...run, before your career dies too.

The History of MTV...the M stands for Morons

Does anybody remember when MTV was about music? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? No, guess what, that's cause MTV was NEVER about music. It had a few music videos in the 80's until the 90's showed up. MTV because about Bevis and Butthead, Daria, Grunge Rock, and the start of a beautiful legacy, Singled Out.

Yes, Singled Out was the first of many, trashy reality dating shows. Many of you may not remember what the show was about...but it was the precurser to Next and Dismissed and it was brilliant. Girls and Guys whittling down a group of girls based on "personality" traits...hoping that in the end they get the hot one.

After the end of Singled Out, several other mediocre shows arrived and left. Nothing special until Dismissed Came on the air. Dismissed was so trashy, so superficial, so incredibly stupid that it could only have been created by geniuses.

Dismissed came at a pivotal moment in television history, known as the Great Dating Show Boom. Dismissed came with Elimidate, The Fifth Wheel, and Blind Date. Everyone loved watching horny, lonely, losers make asses of themselves on television. There was nothing more patethetic or entertaining to watch on tv than one of these dating shows (until Flavor of Love came along).

After Dismissed came an even better indulgence, NEXT. No need to wait til the end of the date to weed out the uglies...you can do it right at the begining! And in the rudest way possible...by screaming the word "next" right in their face. If that isn't good TV, I don't know what is.

Sadly, NEXT is no longer on Tv, that I know of, and has been replaced by other mediocre dating shows. Hopefully the next great one is on its way.

The Consequences of Loud Sex

If you live in a city like me, chances are you live in an apartment or condo building with a diverse array of neighbors. As for me, there are a lot of people living close to me. In this particular building, one of my neighbors has been dubbed by the rest of us as "Loud Sex Girl" (or LSG for short). Loud sex girl is loud with everything she does. When she is on the phone she is loud. When she is listening to music she is loud. When she has friends over she is loud. And, most importantly, when she is getting plowed she is loud.

The first time I heard loud sex girl I thought she was being attacked. All that grunting made me think that something was terribly wrong across the hall. However, after i heard her should "ohhhhhh yeah" and then a string of words I cannot repeat, i figured out what was happening.

Now, LSG gets it a lot...and i mean a lot...seems to be at least once a day. Whether it is with another person or machine, i don't know. Her male partners generally remain silent, except for that one time I heard 3 guys....um...yeah. Anyway. LSG also has an experimental side. On one particular occasion she was violently shouting at the top of her lungs, letting the entire building know that someone was trying to enter her through a back door. But it seemed as though she was narrating everything that was happening to her, "oh my God I can't believe i'm taking it..." you get the idea. I couldn't really tell if she was enjoying it or not...she told her partner to stop many times, but then she just kept trying it a few minutes later all night. It kind of reminded me of a lab rat getting repeatedly shocked in an experiment. But, i digress. To my knowledge she hasn't tried it since, or she hasn't been so loud about it, at least.

All of this loudness doesn't come without consequence. Signs have been put up in the elevators of the building stating, "If you are going to be with that woman who moans so loudly, please shove a sock in her mouth" to the more direct, "shut up loud sex woman".

The wikipedia page that is Loud Sex Girl's life has many many many different authors. It even has special section headers about her forrays into group sex and sodomy. Unfortunately, her metaphorical wikipedia page also has many readers. Please, LSG, be quiet. And if you reading this, and think you may be an LSG or LSB. Keep it down. Because everyone CAN hear you.

Pirates: When will the Fad End

It all started fairly simply. Johnny Depp stars in a movie about pirates, it blows up, now everybody wants to be a pirate. The skull and crossbone logo, once only reserved for anti social high school students is now trendy, gracing bags, binders, caps and clothing. Men are now wearing crazy Jerry Seinfeld-esque puffy shirts. It has even infiltrated facebook...with applications allowing you to recruit pirates for some reason. Is Johnny Depp the only reason that pirates are popular? Are there other factors influencing this? Maybe we just love the idea of swashbuckling and stealing a cool treasure. Or maybe everyone just love a puffy shirt.

Target: Store of Satan

I was at a target the other day watching all of the ugly, smelly people shop when it hit me. I am in hell...yes, target is hell. People often think of Target as an upscale Wal Mart. But, that is only because of Targets advertising. Target has fooled some people, mostly idiots, into thinking that the cheap, plastic, made in china, coated in lead, CRAP that you can get there is "cute" and "trendy". Well I promise that anything from Target is far from that. The crap you buy there is offensive. Not only will the cheap lead coated platic kill YOU, but it also destroys culture. There is nothing as devoid of culture as some college aged schmuck grabbing mass produced plastic cups because they are "so cute"

Next time you are at a target, if you must. Take a look around you at all the morons. Buying giant plastic stuff. Disgusting. Have you ever seen a target add? Yes, that is a Beatles song in their commercial. Sickened to hear one of the greatest bands ever not only have a song butchered, but also hawking detergent, toilet paper, and a wal mart wanna be? You Should Be.

Here in Chicago Targets are popping up like weeds. It's like the store is planning on turning the city into one of the homogenized suburbs. Which would really be unfortunate. We're already being choked to death by wal greens and starbucks, now Target can take part in destroying our culture and art too.

Mountain Dew: the Geek Drink of Choice

Why is it that Mountain Dew is the drink of choice for Nerds, dweebs, and gamers alike? Compared to coffee and energy drinks it doesn't even have that much caffeine to fuel those all nite gaming sessions. Does anybody else know what I am talking about? Geeks and gamers absolutely worship Mountain Dew, from what I have seen. It is literally their ambrosia. How else could they stay up all nite playing World of Warcraft? But the nagging question remains...why not starbucks, why not Red Bull? Any information to figure out this anomaly would be fantastic. Let me know. Til then, do the dew

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Mystery of T-Paine Unraveling

Over the ages there have been several mysteries that cannot be solved. The Bermuda triangle, stone henge, the easter island statues, and why t paine is popular. Seriously, this guy cannot sing without the help of a synthesizer, yet everything he touches turns to gold.

What is it about him that's appealing. It isn't his looks...do most people even know what he looks like. What is his album called? Does he even have an album? His songs are clearly about as deep as a puddle...dealing with such issues as...bartenders, buying drinks, drinking, applebottom jeans, etc. The basic theory going around is that T Paine is simply a ring tone artist. Record companies used to put a lot of effort into grooming the images of their artists. Remember back in the day when Britney Spears' looks sold her songs...her singing had nothing to do with it. Well now they are just making T Paine and other artists (Soulja Boy, Pet Shop Boyz) come up with catchy tunes, making a ton off ringtones, and disposing of the artists when they are through.

T Paine's fame will end soon too...as soon as he slows down making hits. He can't make a slow song, or a serious song because nobody would buy it. So enjoy T Paine, Soulja Boy, and the other ringtone artists while they last...they won't be around for long.

Victoria Beckham had one crazy night

Many people mistakenly thought this was part of a new campaign from Marc Jacobs. When, actually, Vicky B just had one crazy night out, and woke up in an alley in a bag, legs spread, with a condom in her ear. But don't judge, after all, who hasn't there.

the lessons we can learn from bratty kids

People often complain about badly behaved kids. We see them in restaurants and store and become annoyed with their disturbance. But are these kids poorly behaved...or secretly geniuses. Think about it...bratty kids ALWAYS get what they want.

So why don't adults try it more?

Go into a retail store and demand a lower price, get something that isn't on sale, for a sale price, get stuff returned. Anyone that has worked in retail will tell you its possible if you whine enough. Lets face it most clothes have a profit margin of at least 80% anyway.

Example 1: I once witnessed a woman (average sized...not thin not fat) argue with the manager that they didn't cary her size of underwear. She agreed to take a size that, supposedly, didn't fit her well, but only for a discount. She complained long enough and got her way.

Example 2: A van full of college students pulled up to an empty chain sub restaurant during what seemed to be a very slow lunch. One of the students said they would defect to the McDonalds across the street unless they got a dollar off of each sandwich. Now, I don't see the point in putting that much effort into one dollar off, but they seemed to want it badly. The restaurant not wanting to lose the business of 9 customers gave in at the managers approval.

People take too much at face value. At many non chain restaurants, hotels, and other services you can haggle for the price, if your smart enough.

If you think you are justified in something...than make it known. You CAN get your way if you want it bad enough. There are so many opportunities out there.

Starbucks is Taking Over the World

It has finally happened! Starbucks is starting to slump, and big competitors have decided to kick starbucks while its down and try to take away even more business. McDonalds just announced that it was going to start serving lattes in their restaurants, so that you can relax and enjoy a latte while listening to screaming kids drown in a pit of plastic balls. Nothing more relaxing than that.

Starbucks has grown so much that there is simply no place left to go. It's located literally across the street from itself. That, and the fact that Britney Spears is its unofficial spokeswoman probably led to its fall.

The evil corporate giant is even rumored to be in talks to start advertising on our cell phones. Yep, if you have a cell phone with GPS expect to start receiving advertisements soon every time you walk near a starbucks. Isn't technology wonderful. There are plenty of coffee shops everywhere, ones that are better than the ground cardboard taste of starbucks. Isn't it time we support local business instead of a corporate giant that wants to exploit us for game.