Flava Flav Returns to Embarass Himself Again

Flava Flav has returned to VH1 for yet another trainwreck reality show. Flava has bills to pay, yo, those gold teeth aren't free...and neither are those clocks (I imagine he changes them every day).

On the season premier he gets upset that some of the "women" on the show aren't hot enough.

2 Things

1. Some????? Try... ALL of the "women" on the show aren't hot enough.

2. Flava Flav looks like an over cooked gremlin. He is smelly, he is sweaty, he is musty, he probably has moldy patches, and he is OLD. And Come on, if he had any money he wouldn't be on VH1! Anyway, the point is he should cling on to whatever he can get!

Question -- How is this man fathering so many children? Who is having sex with him? Isn't that about as bad as doing it with Michael Jackson?

Anyway if you want to watch a good old fashioned Train Wreck, an are tired of Britney Spears...then Tunes into VH1 for Flava of Love.

Will Ferrell Pays Homage to his favorite Female Basketball Coach

Will Ferrell decided to get some attention when he went to...wherever dressed like this.

Clearly this was nothing more than a tribute to one of his favorite female basketball coaches (Pat Summit Anyone?)...or maybe a gym teacher? Wait...my Gym Teacher...Mrs. McCaffrey *shudders* I still have nightmares about that woman.

Seriously though, that's exactly how she dressed. And when she got mad cause you were doing sit-ups properly...all that fabric was a whole lot of scary.

Microsoft to Yahoo: "Up Your Nose with a Rubber Hose"

In the epic fight for the hostile takeover Microsoft Corporation has resorted to some pre-high school techniques to get at Yahoo!

Microsoft will effectively nominate its own people to Yahoo!'s board of directors in hopes that many of them will get elected and approve their takeover bid. Wait...this sounds familiar...I believe this is how Tommy Moorehouse got elected Student Council President of my 7th Grade Class.

I thought this type of behavior ended after High School?!?

Guess Not.

Yahoo will probably reject the idea of a takeover, mostly because Microsoft is "smelly" and has a "big butt". There is also an unsubstantiated rumor that Microsoft picks its nose and eats it. Although Microsoft has yet to confirm or deny this accusation.

Advertisements on Cell Phones

I use Google's Gmail...and I find it to be extremely creepy. There's always adds on the sidebar of the email tailored to whatever you are emailing to people. I casually said "oh, sorry" in one of my emails and advertisements for sympathy cards and "say your sorry through a floral gift" came up. It was almost as if the slightly disturbing employees at Google are sitting in their Mountain View, CA offices and having a ball reading everyone's email. I can just imagine them coming up with joke advertisements for all of the hilarious emails they read from the rest of us schmucks.

Email advertising is bad enough, but now the powers that be at Google, Apple, Nokia etc want to advertise on your cellphone. Thanks to GPS technology companies like Starbucks and Walgreens are going to send special offers to our cell phones when we walk within the proximity of one of their stores. Although, they are just testing this idea now...you know damn well they are actually going to do this soon.

I already get enough texts...now i have to get crap from Starbucks too? I don't even like coffee!

Is anybody else ready to throw their phones in the trash and move to a beach in Brazil? I am.

Stupidity

I watched a guy cross the street while talking on a cell phone today, and he almost got hit by three different cars...at one intersection...that had a 4 way stop. How do you get almost hit at an all way stop? I just can't explain it but I have come up with some very true assumptions.

1. People get 25% more stupid when they get behind the wheel of a car.

2. People get 15% more stupid when they hold a cell phone in their hand. Add an Extra 7% to that for when they're actually talking on a cell phone. Then add 10% to the initial 15% if they are texting.

3. When its raining outside people lose at least 33.3% of their IQ. So, that's an entire third of their intelligence.

4. When its snowing that percentage shoots up to 45%

Therefore, If someone is driving and texting while it is snowing...they are using only 5% of their intelligence. But hey, that's still 4% more than the contestants on "Flavor of Love 3"

Fuhrer Hillary: There is nothing left to say

There is nothing left to say...

Britney Spears: Role Model for College Kids Everywhere

So Britney Spears has been cast as a crazy, out of control, slightly sympathetic villan by today's media outlets. Britney does all kinds of Crazy things She drinks like a sailor. May, possibly, have other substances enter her body through her nostrils or veins. She neglects her responsibilities and hygiene. She drives dangerously. She hooks up with random guys and bad influences. Worst of all she loves attention and even goes to starbucks daily!

This is awful...she sounds like...like....well like any average college student at a major public university.

Why do we love reading about her??? Cause she's juuust like us. Think about college. Drinking every day, neglecting your responsibilities, living in a filthy dorm and having to shower with an entire floor of people. Yes, there are always those people willing to take a shower in the dorms without shower shoes. Not me, though.

And don't even get me started with the hookups...like that's anything new. As for making fun of her constant Starbuck's runs, how is that any different than everybody in this country. Yeah, there's a good reason theres 3 Starbucks on every corner...cause this country is full of 300 million people just like Britney!

Bad drivers that put others at risk...again, i see that every day on every street. Another thing i saw every day at college was erratic behavior. Sorority rituals, bizarre hazings, streaking, random people screaming violent poetry from a podium on the quad. I even witnessed a girl on her cell so distraught over her fight with a boyfriend that her crying and screaming sounded like a pig getting raped by a donkey. After screaming she took her anger and hurt out on an innocent shrub.

Responsibility? What's that? In college, the only responsibility is to go to class, and psshhh...who does that. I mean its thursday...and that's, like, almost the weekend.

So, before you go judging Britney Spears...think of your own life...and how imperfect it is. It's probably not that different from yours. And, if your in college, chances are that you are just like her...maybe take notes. What would Britney do?

The Lost Report

For anyone watching lost...the question is still: What the hell is going on?

The biggest questions remain.

How is hurley Still so huge?

When is Miles going to die, cause seriously i hate that guy. they kill off perfectly good characters like Charlie but bring on this one??? It would be AWESOME if Hurley would like sit on him and crush him to death.

How did Ben get off the island?

And why did they launch an entire rocket just to give them a clock. Granted we learned that time is different...but a clock?

Lets hope that Sawyer stays on the island cause he's (generally) the funniest one.

Loud Sex Girl Strikes Again

You read about her previous adventure taking it up the butt. Well, she's at it again. Maybe you care, maybe its too much info, but i'm telling you anyway. After a few minutes of the typical moaning that causes my neighbor to turn his TV up she actually said: "Ok, ok we can try again, but this time use real lube."

Now, this begs the question...real lube? What was he using before? Butter? Oil? (Remember these two aren't too smart so the possibilities are many and HILARIOUS)

Ok, so here is the play by play. She is saying OW a bunch, but just said keep going but slower. Clearly it doesn't hurt as it did before when she was screaming to the heavens for him to exit.

Now its all pretty standard fair...nothing too hilarious. But wait! The plot thickens.

The typically silent man is now shouting and cussing up a storm. LSG is apologizing profusely and asked for a towel. Her exact words: "Get a towel dumbass fast!"

What has just occured, I can only guess (and I bet you can too). However, this is too gross for me now, its time for me to turn my TV up as well. Until the next.

Hillary: Cackling her way to the top

In a sad display the monday before Super Tuesday Hillary Clinton started to cry again. Yes, again. Its just another attempt to lead us to believe that she's human...which most of us know is untrue. So after her somewhat strong showing on Super Tuesday I feel that it is my duty to inform you that the 'cry at the drop of a hat candidate' is...in fact... a witch.


Shocking?

Not Really.

I mean simply take a look at that picture. The wart-y nose, the cackling sound her laugh makes. If that isn't a witch that has flown off the handle, then what is? This is what i ask you.

Hillary has bewitched voters and supporters by casting spells over the tv signals. Her most powerful spells, of course are done when she is crying (which, apparently, is frequent)

Rumors abound about her powers. Most currently is a rumor floating around that if she were to lose her head two would grow back in its place. So far only few have been able to resist, most notable Barak Obama, who is fighting the good fight, against this evil.

We must resist her powers...for America.

Why? Because, we don't want a White House made out of gingerbread.

It's Me! Every Girl Ever!

Say this in a Philadelphia Craigslist Posting. I had to share it. Read. Enjoy

"It's Me! Every Girl Ever!"


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Safe Sex in Elevators and Other Awkward Situations

Everybody hates using elevators...I hate the elevator in my building because it is the slowest and most ancient elevator in the entire city of Chicago. It frequently breaks down and I always share it with people in the building that I feel like I should know but I don't. Last nite as i walk in the building to the elevator myself, a fat guy that lives down the hall (hereafter known as "Chuck" even though I don't think that's his real name)and a group of giggly semi-intoxicated girls were waiting to board the elevator, which was on the top floor waiting to come down.

The elevator was taking longer than usual, and one of the girls didn't like it and ceased giggling and began to whine. She turned to her friend, wearing clothes that fit 100 cheeseburgers ago, who seemed to ignore her whining. After all, who wants to whine where theres giggling to be done! The whining girl, who looked like an overly tan Chelsea Clinton, then turned to me, sighed loudly, and did this shrug with her eyebrows, to get some attention from someone. Almost as if her attention quote was almost due for the day and her's wasnt' even half full. I averted my eyes, and the Chelsea look alike, in all of her tanness, turned to Chubby Chuck for sympathy, saw him, thought the better of it, and just looked at the ceiling instead. Hey, at least a ceiling can't ignore you

After standing there awkwardly next to "Chuck" listening to the girls giggle, the elevator finally arrives, and a very happy couple walks out. We clear the way for them and start to get on the elevator, we see a condom wrapper on the floor of the elevator. The giggling immediately stops, then commences upon sighting the condom. Except for Tan Chelsea, she lets out an "ew" and appears on the verge of whining about it but changes her mind. The elevator giggling, though, is more subdued...for it is the unwritten code that all conversation should be limited on an elevator, and should be replaced by slight shifting, sighing, and staring at your shoes.

Now, because this is the slowest elevator ever, the door hasn't even closed yet, but you could tell what was on everyone's mind (except for cheeseburger girl who was probably dreaming of BK) Was that couple doing it on the top floor? Is that why it took even longer than usual? This thought process was validated when the Alpha Female of the group whispered...OMG that's why she was smiling. The giggling then got a little louder. We all assumed and thought of theories for what had happened on the elevator, but all i could think about was...could that have been Loud Sex Girl??? Dammit, I didn't get a close enough look at her! And I should have gotten a picture. But hey, at least she's being safe when she takes it up the back end.

At this time the door FINALLY closes and at the same time, the fat guy lets out a strategic fart. I could tell what he was trying to do. Being fat, he can't hold his farts in like a normal, healthy person, and has to let them out every few minutes. So he waited for the elevator door to clatter and rumble a little bit to let out what he hoped would be a smelless and noiseless fart. However, it was neither of these. The noise was quite apparent, and several of the girls has to stifle their giggles after hearing "chuck" let one.

The smell slowly sept through the elevator, luckily it stopped and the door started to open. My floor, thank God. Being at the front of the elevator, i got off first and mumbled a "by guys", not realize the fact that everybody was getting off on this floor. Not only did they live on my floor, they lived a few apartments down from me. Wow I really need to meet some people in this building.

Needless to say, I am anticipating another very awkward elevator experience soon...hopefully without the sex and farting.

Tom Cruise Brings, yet again, even more CRAZY, again

So I'm sure that most of you have seen that CRAZY Tom Cruise video in which he talks about scientology. Its been out there for a while, but if you dont' know much about it Tom, among other crazy claims, says that a scientologist is the only person who can help in car accidents, and are the ultimate authority for addictions and psychology. Mmmmkay.

Here's a reminder video for you from TMZ.

Yes, the video even includes that crazy laugh. Cause, even Tom knows, there's nothing more hilarious than claiming that only scientologists can help an addict. You know, cause addicts are so vulnerable and need some sort of a dependent belief system to take advantage of them during a very weak period in their lives. Naturally, scientology comes to the rescue! And I'm sure they'll give you a discount on your mandatory donation to the L. Ron Fund.

Also hilarious is the claim that only scientologists can help accident victims. Yeah, that makes sense, the scientologists in LA are just traffic magicians. Cause there are never any traffic jams or accidents on LA freeways, right?

Couldn't they have at least picked something to be masters of that happen infrequently in LA...like snow. Maybe scientology should have claimed to be helpful in creating beautiful, sunny weather. That would at least show some thought.

The tell-all Cruise book will come out soon...alleging among other things that Katie was impregnated ala Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. That's not so shocking....its actually how i pictured it happening. Tom and his creepy friends drugged his new wife...resurrected and reanimated the corpse of L Ron Hubbard, and everyone watched as the corpse violated Katie Holmes. And Suri is such a cute baby too! I wonder how long they'll be able to hide the hooven feet and tail.

SHOCKER! Reality Shows Not Real!

In what may be the most blatantly obvious news I've brought since I declared that Jessica Simpson is an Idiot, it seems that those celebrity dating shows are, in fact........ FAKE.

I'll give you a moment to calm yourself.

Remember Delishees from Flavor of Love? Well she is alleging that Flav never returns her calls, now that the show is over. So, you mean, that she wasn't faking her interest in Flava Flav just for the 15 minutes? She is actually upset that he hasnt' called her after the show? That's the most shocking part to me. How anybody could actually want that wrinkled and smelly old gremlin is WAY beyond my realm of comprehension. I mean are we really expected to believe that this group of...Ladies (and by ladies i mean ex-hookers hellbent on fame) could want this man. I mean none of those girls was anything to get excited about...the Best of the best of those girls was only a 5 out of 10, the rest averaging out to a 3.4. But on the hot-o-meter, flav is only a 1.4 (mostly thanks to his musty aroma), leaving most of those girls out of his league.


Other outlets are reporting that Tila Tequila isn't even a real bisexual, but faking it for the publicity. This is incredible. I mean, as a skanky myspace ho, she had a lot of integrity. That she would use a cable based reality program to further her fame blows my mind. Speaking of blowing...who did she have to to get that program? Couldn't they have found some other F list celebrity to pretend to be bi...maybe one who didn't act like an annoying robot?

anyway, by the time that A Shot of Love 2 comes out I'm sure that Tila and her "acquaitance" Bobby will have a nice excuse for why they broke up. After all the show has some creative writers...or are they on strike?

Really all the proof you need that the shows are fake are on the "reunion specials" Isn't it nice that they always break up on the reunion special. Of course, purely coincidental.

For more information on on how annoyingness and hotness relate see my blog on The Crazy & Hot Continuum.

Bring in the Clowns

According to a recent British study, most people are afraid of clowns. No, make that terrified of clowns. Is this really a surprise to anyone? Clowns have been scaring most of us since seeing Stephen King's "IT" at a young age. And besides, clowns are just unnatural. They are men dressed like hobos with painted faces. Why are their faces painted...because its funny? No, its because they have something to hide. And does anybody really want somebody that has something to hide trying to entertain/terrify them as a child? I think not.

Does the clown's Union universally despise Stephen King for ruining their image. Essentially, he put the idea of clown hating over the edge. His book/movie was what really pushed the fear of clowns into over drive. I wonder if after King's book became a best seller he was quietly sitting in his house...when all of a sudden a tiny car pulls up, 9 clowns get out and angrily confront him, rough him up a little, and tell him they don't wanna have to visit again.