Brad Thoughts

Flava Flav Returns to Embarass Himself Again

2008-02-20T20:19:00.003-06:00

Flava Flav has returned to VH1 for yet another trainwreck reality show. Flava has bills to pay, yo, those gold teeth aren't free...and neither are those clocks (I imagine he changes them every day).

On the season premier he gets upset that some of the "women" on the show aren't hot enough.

2 Things

1. Some????? Try... ALL of the "women" on the show aren't hot enough.

2. Flava Flav looks like an over cooked gremlin. He is smelly, he is sweaty, he is musty, he probably has moldy patches, and he is OLD. And Come on, if he had any money he wouldn't be on VH1! Anyway, the point is he should cling on to whatever he can get!

Question -- How is this man fathering so many children? Who is having sex with him? Isn't that about as bad as doing it with Michael Jackson?

Anyway if you want to watch a good old fashioned Train Wreck, an are tired of Britney Spears...then Tunes into VH1 for Flava of Love.

Will Ferrell Pays Homage to his favorite Female Basketball Coach

2008-02-20T19:37:00.004-06:00

Will Ferrell decided to get some attention when he went to...wherever dressed like this.

Clearly this was nothing more than a tribute to one of his favorite female basketball coaches (Pat Summit Anyone?)...or maybe a gym teacher? Wait...my Gym Teacher...Mrs. McCaffrey *shudders* I still have nightmares about that woman.

Seriously though, that's exactly how she dressed. And when she got mad cause you were doing sit-ups properly...all that fabric was a whole lot of scary.

Microsoft to Yahoo: "Up Your Nose with a Rubber Hose"

2008-02-19T13:21:00.002-06:00

In the epic fight for the hostile takeover Microsoft Corporation has resorted to some pre-high school techniques to get at Yahoo!

Microsoft will effectively nominate its own people to Yahoo!'s board of directors in hopes that many of them will get elected and approve their takeover bid. Wait...this sounds familiar...I believe this is how Tommy Moorehouse got elected Student Council President of my 7th Grade Class.

I thought this type of behavior ended after High School?!?

Guess Not.

Yahoo will probably reject the idea of a takeover, mostly because Microsoft is "smelly" and has a "big butt". There is also an unsubstantiated rumor that Microsoft picks its nose and eats it. Although Microsoft has yet to confirm or deny this accusation.

Advertisements on Cell Phones

2008-02-18T18:26:00.003-06:00

I use Google's Gmail...and I find it to be extremely creepy. There's always adds on the sidebar of the email tailored to whatever you are emailing to people. I casually said "oh, sorry" in one of my emails and advertisements for sympathy cards and "say your sorry through a floral gift" came up. It was almost as if the slightly disturbing employees at Google are sitting in their Mountain View, CA offices and having a ball reading everyone's email. I can just imagine them coming up with joke advertisements for all of the hilarious emails they read from the rest of us schmucks.

Email advertising is bad enough, but now the powers that be at Google, Apple, Nokia etc want to advertise on your cellphone. Thanks to GPS technology companies like Starbucks and Walgreens are going to send special offers to our cell phones when we walk within the proximity of one of their stores. Although, they are just testing this idea now...you know damn well they are actually going to do this soon.

I already get enough texts...now i have to get crap from Starbucks too? I don't even like coffee!

Is anybody else ready to throw their phones in the trash and move to a beach in Brazil? I am.

Stupidity

2008-02-18T18:14:00.002-06:00

I watched a guy cross the street while talking on a cell phone today, and he almost got hit by three different cars...at one intersection...that had a 4 way stop. How do you get almost hit at an all way stop? I just can't explain it but I have come up with some very true assumptions.

1. People get 25% more stupid when they get behind the wheel of a car.

2. People get 15% more stupid when they hold a cell phone in their hand. Add an Extra 7% to that for when they're actually talking on a cell phone. Then add 10% to the initial 15% if they are texting.

3. When its raining outside people lose at least 33.3% of their IQ. So, that's an entire third of their intelligence.

4. When its snowing that percentage shoots up to 45%

Therefore, If someone is driving and texting while it is snowing...they are using only 5% of their intelligence. But hey, that's still 4% more than the contestants on "Flavor of Love 3"

Fuhrer Hillary: There is nothing left to say

2008-02-18T11:14:00.002-06:00

There is nothing left to say...

Britney Spears: Role Model for College Kids Everywhere

2008-02-15T18:17:00.004-06:00

So Britney Spears has been cast as a crazy, out of control, slightly sympathetic villan by today's media outlets. Britney does all kinds of Crazy things She drinks like a sailor. May, possibly, have other substances enter her body through her nostrils or veins. She neglects her responsibilities and hygiene. She drives dangerously. She hooks up with random guys and bad influences. Worst of all she loves attention and even goes to starbucks daily!

This is awful...she sounds like...like....well like any average college student at a major public university.

Why do we love reading about her??? Cause she's juuust like us. Think about college. Drinking every day, neglecting your responsibilities, living in a filthy dorm and having to shower with an entire floor of people. Yes, there are always those people willing to take a shower in the dorms without shower shoes. Not me, though.

And don't even get me started with the hookups...like that's anything new. As for making fun of her constant Starbuck's runs, how is that any different than everybody in this country. Yeah, there's a good reason theres 3 Starbucks on every corner...cause this country is full of 300 million people just like Britney!

Bad drivers that put others at risk...again, i see that every day on every street. Another thing i saw every day at college was erratic behavior. Sorority rituals, bizarre hazings, streaking, random people screaming violent poetry from a podium on the quad. I even witnessed a girl on her cell so distraught over her fight with a boyfriend that her crying and screaming sounded like a pig getting raped by a donkey. After screaming she took her anger and hurt out on an innocent shrub.

Responsibility? What's that? In college, the only responsibility is to go to class, and psshhh...who does that. I mean its thursday...and that's, like, almost the weekend.

So, before you go judging Britney Spears...think of your own life...and how imperfect it is. It's probably not that different from yours. And, if your in college, chances are that you are just like her...maybe take notes. What would Britney do?

The Lost Report

2008-02-15T17:51:00.003-06:00

For anyone watching lost...the question is still: What the hell is going on?

The biggest questions remain.

How is hurley Still so huge?

When is Miles going to die, cause seriously i hate that guy. they kill off perfectly good characters like Charlie but bring on this one??? It would be AWESOME if Hurley would like sit on him and crush him to death.

How did Ben get off the island?

And why did they launch an entire rocket just to give them a clock. Granted we learned that time is different...but a clock?

Lets hope that Sawyer stays on the island cause he's (generally) the funniest one.

Loud Sex Girl Strikes Again

2008-02-14T18:24:00.003-06:00

You read about her previous adventure taking it up the butt. Well, she's at it again. Maybe you care, maybe its too much info, but i'm telling you anyway. After a few minutes of the typical moaning that causes my neighbor to turn his TV up she actually said: "Ok, ok we can try again, but this time use real lube."

Now, this begs the question...real lube? What was he using before? Butter? Oil? (Remember these two aren't too smart so the possibilities are many and HILARIOUS)

Ok, so here is the play by play. She is saying OW a bunch, but just said keep going but slower. Clearly it doesn't hurt as it did before when she was screaming to the heavens for him to exit.

Now its all pretty standard fair...nothing too hilarious. But wait! The plot thickens.

The typically silent man is now shouting and cussing up a storm. LSG is apologizing profusely and asked for a towel. Her exact words: "Get a towel dumbass fast!"

What has just occured, I can only guess (and I bet you can too). However, this is too gross for me now, its time for me to turn my TV up as well. Until the next.

Hillary: Cackling her way to the top

2008-02-07T19:27:00.000-06:00

In a sad display the monday before Super Tuesday Hillary Clinton started to cry again. Yes, again. Its just another attempt to lead us to believe that she's human...which most of us know is untrue. So after her somewhat strong showing on Super Tuesday I feel that it is my duty to inform you that the 'cry at the drop of a hat candidate' is...in fact... a witch.

Shocking?

Not Really.

I mean simply take a look at that picture. The wart-y nose, the cackling sound her laugh makes. If that isn't a witch that has flown off the handle, then what is? This is what i ask you.

Hillary has bewitched voters and supporters by casting spells over the tv signals. Her most powerful spells, of course are done when she is crying (which, apparently, is frequent)

Rumors abound about her powers. Most currently is a rumor floating around that if she were to lose her head two would grow back in its place. So far only few have been able to resist, most notable Barak Obama, who is fighting the good fight, against this evil.

We must resist her powers...for America.

Why? Because, we don't want a White House made out of gingerbread.

It's Me! Every Girl Ever!

2008-01-23T23:53:00.001-06:00

Say this in a Philadelphia Craigslist Posting. I had to share it. Read. Enjoy

"It's Me! Every Girl Ever!"

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

Safe Sex in Elevators and Other Awkward Situations

2008-01-18T15:43:00.000-06:00

Everybody hates using elevators...I hate the elevator in my building because it is the slowest and most ancient elevator in the entire city of Chicago. It frequently breaks down and I always share it with people in the building that I feel like I should know but I don't. Last nite as i walk in the building to the elevator myself, a fat guy that lives down the hall (hereafter known as "Chuck" even though I don't think that's his real name)and a group of giggly semi-intoxicated girls were waiting to board the elevator, which was on the top floor waiting to come down.

The elevator was taking longer than usual, and one of the girls didn't like it and ceased giggling and began to whine. She turned to her friend, wearing clothes that fit 100 cheeseburgers ago, who seemed to ignore her whining. After all, who wants to whine where theres giggling to be done! The whining girl, who looked like an overly tan Chelsea Clinton, then turned to me, sighed loudly, and did this shrug with her eyebrows, to get some attention from someone. Almost as if her attention quote was almost due for the day and her's wasnt' even half full. I averted my eyes, and the Chelsea look alike, in all of her tanness, turned to Chubby Chuck for sympathy, saw him, thought the better of it, and just looked at the ceiling instead. Hey, at least a ceiling can't ignore you

After standing there awkwardly next to "Chuck" listening to the girls giggle, the elevator finally arrives, and a very happy couple walks out. We clear the way for them and start to get on the elevator, we see a condom wrapper on the floor of the elevator. The giggling immediately stops, then commences upon sighting the condom. Except for Tan Chelsea, she lets out an "ew" and appears on the verge of whining about it but changes her mind. The elevator giggling, though, is more subdued...for it is the unwritten code that all conversation should be limited on an elevator, and should be replaced by slight shifting, sighing, and staring at your shoes.

Now, because this is the slowest elevator ever, the door hasn't even closed yet, but you could tell what was on everyone's mind (except for cheeseburger girl who was probably dreaming of BK) Was that couple doing it on the top floor? Is that why it took even longer than usual? This thought process was validated when the Alpha Female of the group whispered...OMG that's why she was smiling. The giggling then got a little louder. We all assumed and thought of theories for what had happened on the elevator, but all i could think about was...could that have been Loud Sex Girl??? Dammit, I didn't get a close enough look at her! And I should have gotten a picture. But hey, at least she's being safe when she takes it up the back end.

At this time the door FINALLY closes and at the same time, the fat guy lets out a strategic fart. I could tell what he was trying to do. Being fat, he can't hold his farts in like a normal, healthy person, and has to let them out every few minutes. So he waited for the elevator door to clatter and rumble a little bit to let out what he hoped would be a smelless and noiseless fart. However, it was neither of these. The noise was quite apparent, and several of the girls has to stifle their giggles after hearing "chuck" let one.

The smell slowly sept through the elevator, luckily it stopped and the door started to open. My floor, thank God. Being at the front of the elevator, i got off first and mumbled a "by guys", not realize the fact that everybody was getting off on this floor. Not only did they live on my floor, they lived a few apartments down from me. Wow I really need to meet some people in this building.

Needless to say, I am anticipating another very awkward elevator experience soon...hopefully without the sex and farting.

Tom Cruise Brings, yet again, even more CRAZY, again

2008-01-18T12:21:00.000-06:00

So I'm sure that most of you have seen that CRAZY Tom Cruise video in which he talks about scientology. Its been out there for a while, but if you dont' know much about it Tom, among other crazy claims, says that a scientologist is the only person who can help in car accidents, and are the ultimate authority for addictions and psychology. Mmmmkay.

Here's a reminder video for you from TMZ.

Yes, the video even includes that crazy laugh. Cause, even Tom knows, there's nothing more hilarious than claiming that only scientologists can help an addict. You know, cause addicts are so vulnerable and need some sort of a dependent belief system to take advantage of them during a very weak period in their lives. Naturally, scientology comes to the rescue! And I'm sure they'll give you a discount on your mandatory donation to the L. Ron Fund.

Also hilarious is the claim that only scientologists can help accident victims. Yeah, that makes sense, the scientologists in LA are just traffic magicians. Cause there are never any traffic jams or accidents on LA freeways, right?

Couldn't they have at least picked something to be masters of that happen infrequently in LA...like snow. Maybe scientology should have claimed to be helpful in creating beautiful, sunny weather. That would at least show some thought.

The tell-all Cruise book will come out soon...alleging among other things that Katie was impregnated ala Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby. That's not so shocking....its actually how i pictured it happening. Tom and his creepy friends drugged his new wife...resurrected and reanimated the corpse of L Ron Hubbard, and everyone watched as the corpse violated Katie Holmes. And Suri is such a cute baby too! I wonder how long they'll be able to hide the hooven feet and tail.

SHOCKER! Reality Shows Not Real!

2008-01-17T16:20:00.000-06:00

In what may be the most blatantly obvious news I've brought since I declared that Jessica Simpson is an Idiot, it seems that those celebrity dating shows are, in fact........ FAKE.

I'll give you a moment to calm yourself.

Remember Delishees from Flavor of Love? Well she is alleging that Flav never returns her calls, now that the show is over. So, you mean, that she wasn't faking her interest in Flava Flav just for the 15 minutes? She is actually upset that he hasnt' called her after the show? That's the most shocking part to me. How anybody could actually want that wrinkled and smelly old gremlin is WAY beyond my realm of comprehension. I mean are we really expected to believe that this group of...Ladies (and by ladies i mean ex-hookers hellbent on fame) could want this man. I mean none of those girls was anything to get excited about...the Best of the best of those girls was only a 5 out of 10, the rest averaging out to a 3.4. But on the hot-o-meter, flav is only a 1.4 (mostly thanks to his musty aroma), leaving most of those girls out of his league.

Other outlets are reporting that Tila Tequila isn't even a real bisexual, but faking it for the publicity. This is incredible. I mean, as a skanky myspace ho, she had a lot of integrity. That she would use a cable based reality program to further her fame blows my mind. Speaking of blowing...who did she have to to get that program? Couldn't they have found some other F list celebrity to pretend to be bi...maybe one who didn't act like an annoying robot?

anyway, by the time that A Shot of Love 2 comes out I'm sure that Tila and her "acquaitance" Bobby will have a nice excuse for why they broke up. After all the show has some creative writers...or are they on strike?

Really all the proof you need that the shows are fake are on the "reunion specials" Isn't it nice that they always break up on the reunion special. Of course, purely coincidental.

For more information on on how annoyingness and hotness relate see my blog on The Crazy & Hot Continuum.

Bring in the Clowns

2008-01-17T12:05:00.000-06:00

According to a recent British study, most people are afraid of clowns. No, make that terrified of clowns. Is this really a surprise to anyone? Clowns have been scaring most of us since seeing Stephen King's "IT" at a young age. And besides, clowns are just unnatural. They are men dressed like hobos with painted faces. Why are their faces painted...because its funny? No, its because they have something to hide. And does anybody really want somebody that has something to hide trying to entertain/terrify them as a child? I think not.

Does the clown's Union universally despise Stephen King for ruining their image. Essentially, he put the idea of clown hating over the edge. His book/movie was what really pushed the fear of clowns into over drive. I wonder if after King's book became a best seller he was quietly sitting in his house...when all of a sudden a tiny car pulls up, 9 clowns get out and angrily confront him, rough him up a little, and tell him they don't wanna have to visit again.

Big Dick Days

2008-01-17T11:31:00.000-06:00

Well, I just had one of those days...one of those GREAT days. A big dick day. Guys should know what I'm talking about, one of those days when your tool feel a little bit wider, a little bit longer, and you can walk the streets with confidence.

Some days you can have the opposite...tiny dick days....i won't even get into that. It may be the humidity, may be the temperature, it feel like after you've exited a chlorine filled pool.

But on the big days you will do things that you do not normally do. You will smile at girls walking down the street. Hell, you may even give them a cocky nod, as to say "how you doin'" without actually having to say the famous line. You'll cross the street in front of cars with more confidence, and those cars will stop...for they can just tell.

However, these kinds of well endowed days cannot be replicated through the use of "natural male enhancement" such as Enzyte. No, in order to get the full effect they must be natural, random, and spontaneous days.

Can girls have the same kind of thing? Do girls have "tight pussy days", where they're just smelling fresher and feeling tighter?

Until your next BDD.

Jessica Simpson tops Satan on Most Hated Poll

2008-01-16T23:49:00.000-06:00

In a recent poll, Jessica Simpson topped the anti-christ and the greatest villans of the twentieth century on Texans' most hated list. The Cowboys lost the playoffs and now they need a scapegoat. After all, Jessica Simpson is smart enough to mastermind the sabotage of her boyfriends game, right? Tuna anyone?

Those wacky Texans. They love their football so much that when they lose it can't be their team's fault, no, its the bad vibes caused by a random idiot in the stands.

But, maybe their on to something. Perhaps she has jinxed the career of her boyfriend. After all, she jinxed Nick lachey's and her own career. And what happened to Dane Cook and John Mayer after she was done with them? NOT MUCH

So there we have it. The Texans are right, Jessica Simpson is a career killing Black Widow. Tony Romo...it may be too late for you. To the rest of this vampire's potential suitors...run, before your career dies too.

The History of MTV...the M stands for Morons

2008-01-16T22:51:00.000-06:00

Does anybody remember when MTV was about music? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? No, guess what, that's cause MTV was NEVER about music. It had a few music videos in the 80's until the 90's showed up. MTV because about Bevis and Butthead, Daria, Grunge Rock, and the start of a beautiful legacy, Singled Out.

Yes, Singled Out was the first of many, trashy reality dating shows. Many of you may not remember what the show was about...but it was the precurser to Next and Dismissed and it was brilliant. Girls and Guys whittling down a group of girls based on "personality" traits...hoping that in the end they get the hot one.

After the end of Singled Out, several other mediocre shows arrived and left. Nothing special until Dismissed Came on the air. Dismissed was so trashy, so superficial, so incredibly stupid that it could only have been created by geniuses.

Dismissed came at a pivotal moment in television history, known as the Great Dating Show Boom. Dismissed came with Elimidate, The Fifth Wheel, and Blind Date. Everyone loved watching horny, lonely, losers make asses of themselves on television. There was nothing more patethetic or entertaining to watch on tv than one of these dating shows (until Flavor of Love came along).

After Dismissed came an even better indulgence, NEXT. No need to wait til the end of the date to weed out the uglies...you can do it right at the begining! And in the rudest way possible...by screaming the word "next" right in their face. If that isn't good TV, I don't know what is.

Sadly, NEXT is no longer on Tv, that I know of, and has been replaced by other mediocre dating shows. Hopefully the next great one is on its way.

The Consequences of Loud Sex

2008-01-16T16:39:00.000-06:00

If you live in a city like me, chances are you live in an apartment or condo building with a diverse array of neighbors. As for me, there are a lot of people living close to me. In this particular building, one of my neighbors has been dubbed by the rest of us as "Loud Sex Girl" (or LSG for short). Loud sex girl is loud with everything she does. When she is on the phone she is loud. When she is listening to music she is loud. When she has friends over she is loud. And, most importantly, when she is getting plowed she is loud.

The first time I heard loud sex girl I thought she was being attacked. All that grunting made me think that something was terribly wrong across the hall. However, after i heard her should "ohhhhhh yeah" and then a string of words I cannot repeat, i figured out what was happening.

Now, LSG gets it a lot...and i mean a lot...seems to be at least once a day. Whether it is with another person or machine, i don't know. Her male partners generally remain silent, except for that one time I heard 3 guys....um...yeah. Anyway. LSG also has an experimental side. On one particular occasion she was violently shouting at the top of her lungs, letting the entire building know that someone was trying to enter her through a back door. But it seemed as though she was narrating everything that was happening to her, "oh my God I can't believe i'm taking it..." you get the idea. I couldn't really tell if she was enjoying it or not...she told her partner to stop many times, but then she just kept trying it a few minutes later all night. It kind of reminded me of a lab rat getting repeatedly shocked in an experiment. But, i digress. To my knowledge she hasn't tried it since, or she hasn't been so loud about it, at least.

All of this loudness doesn't come without consequence. Signs have been put up in the elevators of the building stating, "If you are going to be with that woman who moans so loudly, please shove a sock in her mouth" to the more direct, "shut up loud sex woman".

The wikipedia page that is Loud Sex Girl's life has many many many different authors. It even has special section headers about her forrays into group sex and sodomy. Unfortunately, her metaphorical wikipedia page also has many readers. Please, LSG, be quiet. And if you reading this, and think you may be an LSG or LSB. Keep it down. Because everyone CAN hear you.

Pirates: When will the Fad End

2008-01-15T20:35:00.000-06:00

It all started fairly simply. Johnny Depp stars in a movie about pirates, it blows up, now everybody wants to be a pirate. The skull and crossbone logo, once only reserved for anti social high school students is now trendy, gracing bags, binders, caps and clothing. Men are now wearing crazy Jerry Seinfeld-esque puffy shirts. It has even infiltrated facebook...with applications allowing you to recruit pirates for some reason. Is Johnny Depp the only reason that pirates are popular? Are there other factors influencing this? Maybe we just love the idea of swashbuckling and stealing a cool treasure. Or maybe everyone just love a puffy shirt.

Target: Store of Satan

2008-01-13T21:52:00.000-06:00

I was at a target the other day watching all of the ugly, smelly people shop when it hit me. I am in hell...yes, target is hell. People often think of Target as an upscale Wal Mart. But, that is only because of Targets advertising. Target has fooled some people, mostly idiots, into thinking that the cheap, plastic, made in china, coated in lead, CRAP that you can get there is "cute" and "trendy". Well I promise that anything from Target is far from that. The crap you buy there is offensive. Not only will the cheap lead coated platic kill YOU, but it also destroys culture. There is nothing as devoid of culture as some college aged schmuck grabbing mass produced plastic cups because they are "so cute"

Next time you are at a target, if you must. Take a look around you at all the morons. Buying giant plastic stuff. Disgusting. Have you ever seen a target add? Yes, that is a Beatles song in their commercial. Sickened to hear one of the greatest bands ever not only have a song butchered, but also hawking detergent, toilet paper, and a wal mart wanna be? You Should Be.

Here in Chicago Targets are popping up like weeds. It's like the store is planning on turning the city into one of the homogenized suburbs. Which would really be unfortunate. We're already being choked to death by wal greens and starbucks, now Target can take part in destroying our culture and art too.

Mountain Dew: the Geek Drink of Choice

2008-01-12T21:38:00.000-06:00

Why is it that Mountain Dew is the drink of choice for Nerds, dweebs, and gamers alike? Compared to coffee and energy drinks it doesn't even have that much caffeine to fuel those all nite gaming sessions. Does anybody else know what I am talking about? Geeks and gamers absolutely worship Mountain Dew, from what I have seen. It is literally their ambrosia. How else could they stay up all nite playing World of Warcraft? But the nagging question remains...why not starbucks, why not Red Bull? Any information to figure out this anomaly would be fantastic. Let me know. Til then, do the dew

2008-01-11T23:57:00.001-06:00

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Mystery of T-Paine Unraveling

2008-01-11T19:00:00.000-06:00

Over the ages there have been several mysteries that cannot be solved. The Bermuda triangle, stone henge, the easter island statues, and why t paine is popular. Seriously, this guy cannot sing without the help of a synthesizer, yet everything he touches turns to gold.

What is it about him that's appealing. It isn't his looks...do most people even know what he looks like. What is his album called? Does he even have an album? His songs are clearly about as deep as a puddle...dealing with such issues as...bartenders, buying drinks, drinking, applebottom jeans, etc. The basic theory going around is that T Paine is simply a ring tone artist. Record companies used to put a lot of effort into grooming the images of their artists. Remember back in the day when Britney Spears' looks sold her songs...her singing had nothing to do with it. Well now they are just making T Paine and other artists (Soulja Boy, Pet Shop Boyz) come up with catchy tunes, making a ton off ringtones, and disposing of the artists when they are through.

T Paine's fame will end soon too...as soon as he slows down making hits. He can't make a slow song, or a serious song because nobody would buy it. So enjoy T Paine, Soulja Boy, and the other ringtone artists while they last...they won't be around for long.

Victoria Beckham had one crazy night

2008-01-10T19:38:00.000-06:00

Many people mistakenly thought this was part of a new campaign from Marc Jacobs. When, actually, Vicky B just had one crazy night out, and woke up in an alley in a bag, legs spread, with a condom in her ear. But don't judge, after all, who hasn't there.

the lessons we can learn from bratty kids

2008-01-10T16:18:00.000-06:00

People often complain about badly behaved kids. We see them in restaurants and store and become annoyed with their disturbance. But are these kids poorly behaved...or secretly geniuses. Think about it...bratty kids ALWAYS get what they want.

So why don't adults try it more?

Go into a retail store and demand a lower price, get something that isn't on sale, for a sale price, get stuff returned. Anyone that has worked in retail will tell you its possible if you whine enough. Lets face it most clothes have a profit margin of at least 80% anyway.

Example 1: I once witnessed a woman (average sized...not thin not fat) argue with the manager that they didn't cary her size of underwear. She agreed to take a size that, supposedly, didn't fit her well, but only for a discount. She complained long enough and got her way.

Example 2: A van full of college students pulled up to an empty chain sub restaurant during what seemed to be a very slow lunch. One of the students said they would defect to the McDonalds across the street unless they got a dollar off of each sandwich. Now, I don't see the point in putting that much effort into one dollar off, but they seemed to want it badly. The restaurant not wanting to lose the business of 9 customers gave in at the managers approval.

People take too much at face value. At many non chain restaurants, hotels, and other services you can haggle for the price, if your smart enough.

If you think you are justified in something...than make it known. You CAN get your way if you want it bad enough. There are so many opportunities out there.

Starbucks is Taking Over the World

2008-01-10T13:04:00.000-06:00

It has finally happened! Starbucks is starting to slump, and big competitors have decided to kick starbucks while its down and try to take away even more business. McDonalds just announced that it was going to start serving lattes in their restaurants, so that you can relax and enjoy a latte while listening to screaming kids drown in a pit of plastic balls. Nothing more relaxing than that.

Starbucks has grown so much that there is simply no place left to go. It's located literally across the street from itself. That, and the fact that Britney Spears is its unofficial spokeswoman probably led to its fall.

The evil corporate giant is even rumored to be in talks to start advertising on our cell phones. Yep, if you have a cell phone with GPS expect to start receiving advertisements soon every time you walk near a starbucks. Isn't technology wonderful. There are plenty of coffee shops everywhere, ones that are better than the ground cardboard taste of starbucks. Isn't it time we support local business instead of a corporate giant that wants to exploit us for game.

Britney gets a new driver and a boyfriend

2007-11-21T14:31:00.000-06:00

Could things be looking up for the world's favorite cracked out crazy? HAHA yeah right...but at least she isn't putting her kids in as much danger as before. She's complied with the courts order that she may not drive with her children in her car and hired a driver.

She's also, allegedly, decided to spread her crazy to a new boyfriend. too bad nobody cares.

Klum and her Boobs

2007-11-21T14:29:00.001-06:00

This video would be perfect...if Heidi would shut the fuck up. Here she is ruining a perectly awesome video of boobs with her completely insane german-babble

Paris shows China how we do it

2007-11-21T14:24:00.000-06:00

Paris hilton visited China and decided to recreate a few scenes from one of her movies...you know, the only movie of hers that anyone actually watched. Here she is practicing her obscene act for everyone.

Tyson Free! Run for your life!

2007-11-21T14:10:00.000-06:00

Everybody cover your ears! Mike Tyson was released this morning after serving 24 hours in jail. the terrifying former boxer spent his time reading "American Gangsta" and will be on probation for 3 years after serving the time for his DUI arrest.

Britney Hates the Handicapped

2007-11-05T18:54:00.001-06:00

Britney spears showed her disdain for the handicapped today by parking in their spot. Last time I checked being lazy and stupid wasn't a disability. Man she just has bad luck with cars, ya'll, maybe she's too stupid to drive. She couldn't be bothered parking two feet to the left while tanning today in LA. In too big of a hurry to read the sign...after all, that kind of reading would have taken her a while, and momma spears had to tan now! No time for reading when she's late to snort lines off of Jayden James' head.

chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he has never cried!

2007-11-02T17:59:00.002-05:00

Hilarious! Chuck Norris Facts on the Best Damn Sports Show Period

The Bromance is Over Officially

2007-11-02T17:49:00.000-05:00

More fake drama occured on the hills this week when Spencer tried to "reach out" to Brody. it didn't work out shockingly, and the former bros remained just that. The episode ended with a picturesque snuggle between brody and lauren. Thank god im sure the writers wouldn't be happy if the shows enemies made up. Then who would watch? But guyssss its so real! There was lots of set up scenes in New York, when the morons at Teen Vogue decide its necessary to fly two interns across the country. Smart thinking.

Real World: Sydney Recap

2007-11-02T17:43:00.001-05:00

The Real World: Sydney became slightly more exciting when castmember Shavon left to please her whiny boyfriend. That's about the most exciting thing to happen on this show in years! oh yeah they also went to Cairns to bunjee jump,and then the audience fell asleep

Old French Whore for Halloween

2007-11-02T17:38:00.000-05:00

What did Britney Spears go as for halloween? some kind of old french whore...saggy pirate hooker? Judge for yourself

Kobe NOT coming to Chicago

2007-11-02T16:18:00.000-05:00

New Reports surfaced saying that Kobe Bryant will definately not be coming to the bulls. Talks could resume, but lets hope that the reviled basketball player keeps his ass out of Chicago.

Uggly Sluts of the week

2007-11-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

Please stop wearing Uggs, they do not look good. Any girl wearing them should be tripped...and guys wearing them, well that should be punished with mandatory jail time. Do any of these things look good? Stop being lazy women of the world, i understand they are warm but you all look like crazy bitches. Get these things off the street!

P.S. girls in Uggs boots are also subject to review under the Crazy/Hot Continuum.

She loves the pussy

2007-11-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

Continuing my parade of Britney Spears news...apparently she is now a lesbian, but not just any lesbian, one that demands some junk in the trunk. She claims that she is attracted to amateur porn star Kim Kardashian, who made a sex tape to force her fame upon us poor innocent bystanders. Britney called Kim a "horny beast" and a "real woman". As if the unhinged singer hasn't scarred her children enough she claimed that she liked her ass...it takes a real woman to eat enough cheetos to fill out that butt.

Expect a Britney Jr. Very soon

2007-11-02T14:03:00.000-05:00

According to Life & Style Magazine Britney Spears is constantly forgetting to take her pill. She's constantly forgetting where she put them," says an insider, "She seems to find it amusing -- she laughs at how scattered she is." "She seems to think that just because she isn't in a formal relationship, she's somehow immune to getting pregnant."

Well maybe she needs to put more money into education cause apparently she's stupider than a freshman in remedial math.

You'd think that after 2 mistakes she'd learn, but if she has another she can just neglect it some more and maybe make it into some kind of slave? Bring mamma some more of that special water, little Cleutus.

Torre + Dodgers = Great

2007-11-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

Finally the Dodgers get some help. Now that he is free from the clutches of George Steinbrenner Joe Torre has signed on with the LA Dodgers. Not only will this heat up a rivalry more interesting than Yankees/Boston but make the post season a little more exciting too.

Britney's Spending

2007-11-02T13:45:00.000-05:00

According to THIS Britney Spears spends $4,758 a month on eating out. That's a lot of taco bell ya'll

She only spends $500 a month on charity and nothing on education. Big surprise there.

What will she eat when she goes bankrupt though? My guess is her children...

How sweet would it be to hear color

2007-11-02T13:31:00.001-05:00

Cool article about hearing and tasting color

http://www.livescience.com/health/050222_synesthesia.html

Beast Pigs are Real and their Coming for you

2007-11-02T13:22:00.001-05:00

Beast pigs are on their way. Thanks to growth hormones and irresponsible science beast pigs are being found all over including the above b.pig in Georgia. Experts have warned local rednecks and yokels to look out for these creatures as they might cause thousands of dollars worth or damage to trailers etc

http://www.livescience.com/animals/071102-new-peccary.html

Britney Spears on Drugs and High

2007-11-02T13:16:00.001-05:00

"I feel like I'm missing out on life or something" Maybe that's why she's so crazy.

Check out this video of a messed up britney spears eating, babbling, and debating the physics of time travel. It's totally real, ya'll

What happens when you actually use Spam?

2007-10-30T09:30:00.000-05:00

Ever wondered what would happen if you actually bought one of those products from a spam email? Whether is gr3at fake w@tches or herbal remedies to make your b00bs bigger, a normal person wouldn't fall for these dumb tricks.

This Article shows what happens when one brave soul bought something from a spam email/

http://tech.yahoo.com/blogs/null/56703/follow-the-spam-what-happens-if-you-buy-from-a-spammer

"The bottom line? Buying from a spam site just isn't worth the risk, no matter how good the deal seems."

Yep, The Hills is Fake

2007-10-29T19:16:00.000-05:00

This video just exposes what we all already know. A paprazo explaining how Heidi and Spencer make money off of their lame photo ops. Yes, you may hate them but you are making them money and helping them to purchase overpriced clothing by caring about their twisted relationship

Again, their relationship is so horrible that this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone with any sense. Is anything on this show real? Well, Heidi's tits just might be the most real thing about it.

Tantastic

2007-10-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

Just when i thought reality tv shows couldn't get any more superficial, i flip past the greatest show ever produced for the E! Network, Sunset Tan. The premise of the show is a tanning salon.

Yes, that's it, just a tanning salon.

The extra-guido owner has hired two Paris Hilton-esque twins to work for them. lets just say that to call these girls are mentally challenged is being nice. The show follows their foibles as they do crazy things such as: tan a nerd, tan celebrities, break tanning light bulbs, dont' sell enough lotion, etc.

Take a look at this clip with "celebrity" Chris Kattan.

First of all, Chris Kattan is the big celebrity? Since when? Also why are these two skanks trying to pimp themselves out to a middle aged celebrity? Is this show even real...or are these girls so dumb you just can't believe its real. Sadly I think we all know the answer to that.

Crack is Wack, Bitch

2007-10-29T09:23:00.001-05:00

This is like the Halloween video, kind of funny, but stupid too.

ITS NOT TOO LATE FOR COSTUME IDEAS

2007-10-28T23:32:00.001-05:00

It's not too late for Halloween costume ideas. Still need something fast? Here are some quick and easy costume ideas for every body type that will surely frighten everyone at your party.

If you are a...Fat Caucasian Man

Costume...Rosie O'Donnell

How to create...This one is easy. You can wear your regular attire..preferable a matching sport coat and pants and some sort of button up shirt. Get a short brown wig, a flinger for kush balls and be sure to argue with everyone you see!

If you are a...Slightly chunky teenie bopper

Costume...Britney Spears

How to create...black sparkly bra and panties, bad weave, bag of cheetos, several vicodin, 2 baby dolls you can neglect.

If you are...anorexic and missing some teeth

Costume...Amy Winehouse

How to create...find a large jar, fix it on top of your head...spray paint it black. Don't forget to knock out a few teeth and get some fake tattoos. Take a pushpin to your forearm a few times to simulate real heroin injection spots!

If you are...loud and/or a muppet

Costume...VH1's New York

How to create. Lots of fake hair, lots of make up, fake boobs, loud and obnoxious personality. For that extra effect, get another person to be your camera man

The Crazy/Hot/Bitch Continuum

2007-10-28T23:07:00.000-05:00

I was talking with my friend the other day when the topic of the Crazy/Hot/Bitch Continuum came up. He had never heard of this before, which was shocking so i took it upon myself to educate him.
Now, everybody knows the basic principle. If a girl is really hot, its ok if she's crazy or a bitch. However, her craziness or bitchiness cannot exceed her hotness. This very principle is explained efficiently and excellently in this line graph i have concocted.As it shows, a girl with a crazy factor of "4" is acceptable only if she meets or exceeds a hot factor of 4. girls MUST stay at or above the red line.

This may require an example for maximum educational value.

Exhibit 1: Britney Spears.

5 years ago Britney spears would have been low on the crazy level and high on the hot level making her a perfect catch...she would be well above the red line. Even if she was as crazy as she is now, had she had her previous looks she probably still would have been on or close to the red line making her acceptable. Today, though, Britney does not meet the hot/crazy/bitch standards and falls well below the red line.

The same rule applies to girls who are bitches. replace the "crazy" with 'bitch" and it works just as well. The perfect example of this Madonna. Madonna is a huge bitch, but alas she is no longer hot. Therefore she would also fall below the red line.

Please, implement the use of this graph and methodology. Use it discreetly, however, and good luck

Just as i suspected!

2007-10-28T16:50:00.000-05:00

According to THIS livescience.com article short people are evil. Pedophiles tend to be shorter than regular people, it states. It also explains how people who are shorter may have had an oxygen deficiency in the womb.

"We find pedophiles [like short people] are not quite up to biological snuff," said James M. Cantor, lead author of the study.

First Napoleon, now pedophiles...something needs to be done about the shortness problem in the world.

Last Chance!

2007-10-28T14:16:00.000-05:00

The Rockies have one last chance to pull off something they've never done before. Come on there's still a shot. Boston did the same thing 3 years ago. Everyone is sick of the Red Sox the East Coast Teams. GO CR!

Game begins at 8pm eastern tonite

Famous People Who Smell

2007-10-28T13:10:00.001-05:00

Another BRILLIANT list from Maxim, entitled, Famous People who look like they smell.

hahahahahaha

Its like they knew just what i was thinking.

The list includes Flava Flav and Louie Anderson, among other gems...but who's missing? Thoughts?

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST

Finally gets the award she's deserved for so long

2007-10-28T13:03:00.000-05:00

Maxim Magazine just released the 5 unsexiest women...topping the list is Sarah Jessican Parker. Finally people are starting to realize how horribly ugly she is. Others making the list are: Amy winehouse, Sandra Oh, Madonna, and Britney Spears. Amy Winehouse is definately not a surprise if you've ever seen her jackolantern face...but Sandra Oh is another deserving member of this list. Again, see her face if you need a reference.

Very Sad...

2007-10-28T12:50:00.000-05:00

Wow, its bad when a 9 year old girl is the most responsible person in a situation. If you haven't seen this tape, IN FULL, watch it. You can't put this out of context.

Geraldo is no hard journalist but he knows how to create some drama, and some damning evidence. And who doesnt' love profiting off of her death. The father who owns the video, Geraldo, nobody really cares, when there's a profit to be made. Poor Anna Nicole Smith, never able to control her own life. Know who your friends are people, and try to stay in control of your lives.

The Real Fake World

2007-10-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or has The Real World franchise gotten a whole lot stupider. Remember back in the day when the show discussed issues like AIDS, race relations, mental disease. Now its just spoiled drunk whores who want their 15 minutes of fame.

When did this begin? My theory is that it began after one of the original Real World cast members, Eric Neis, got a job on MTV. This point was the begining of then end, when every moron and moronette on the show realized...hey i could spin this into some fame! So instead of being real they became as fake as possible, turning the Real World closer and closer into the yet to be produced, Laguna Beach.

People don't need to be real for reality tv...they need to be fake, to create ridiculous drama that wouldn't occur in the real world. Furthermore, instead of doing anything interesting like promoting a cause they just get drunk and act like whores. Instead of fighting about something that matters, they go at it over other things.

Like, ummmmm for example...Shavonda and Parisa like the same guy!!! omg u guyz!! but Parisa talked to him so shavonda started bitching but she already has a boyfriend but parisa called her a whore and that is sooo unfair! These things matter !

Confused? Bewildered? Disgusted? Did you throw up a little in your mouth? Good, that's how you should feel.

This still doesn't even compare to the really good fights that have gone on before.
The following is the 3 greatest bitch fights in Real World History

Brooke Vs. City of Denver -- she couldn't find the beauty salon and began yelling at the lamp posts and bums

Brynn V. Stephen -- She threw a fork at him and he deemed her dangerous and threatening

CT V. Tina -- She bought 2 lbs of ham and ct ate half of it!!!

That stuff is so unfair...i mean a fork! That could have messed up his gelled hair and then he's have to redo it!! And God forbid it hit him in his face and he end up not so pretty anymore.

side note: does anybody remember Tonya and all her issues? "Oh my God, its a black guy" haha

The thing is none of this stuff matters, but we act like it does. What if we put this much effort into caring about AIDS in Africa, the broken education system, or the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?

More Bad News

2007-10-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

I just read THIS which means more bad news for us. Staph infections are showing up everywhere and the only way to protect yourself is to stop using those stupid antibacterial hand sanitizers and wipes and start washing your hands.

Using antibacterial wipes and sanitizers only kills the good bacteria that is killing the resistant stuff. So, use your head this winter and don't go overboardd.

Don't Forget

2007-10-27T17:31:00.000-05:00

7PM tonite BoSox at Colorado. Can they make a comeback? ESPN doesn't think so.

Dumb yet Funny

2007-10-27T17:22:00.000-05:00

Stupid but kind of funny too:

The Hills...Fake? NO WAY

2007-10-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

Shocking news broke earlier in the week with THIS crazy interview. The allegations: that MTV reality show "The Hills" is scripted and the drama is not, in fact, real. It has already been concluded that the people are fake, however.

The most shocking of these allegations, that Brody Jenner is "a pretty chill guy"

"Absolutely, from the very beginning. Like, they totally set up the BBQ scene for Brody and I to meet each other and talk because, as they said, “the audience would get a kick out of seeing ‘the ex’ talking to ‘the new guy’.” So they rent this house in Malibu for a set, bought a bunch of food and drinks, and just filmed us hanging out. Brody would talk all this sh*t, then be like, “Sorry about that, we’re just trying to make good television.”

Like, furthermore, LC, like, allegedly, doesn't have, like, a complex thought in her head, and may even be "shallow".

OMG!!!

"I honestly had a really hard time talking to her - she’s kind of a conversation killer, and when the cameras are rolling, all conversation is kept firmly on the surface. She talked about how mean Perez Hilton was, and how you have to be nice to the Paparazzi so they don’t release the uglier pictures of you. I don’t know – pop culture, Red Bull, stuff like that. In fact, the most interesting thing I got out of her was that she isn’t allowed to eat ice cream because her trainer told her she can’t."

This damning evidence proves that the shows producers are liars when they claim that the people are the drama are "real".

Like, is this really shocking though? The show gets multiple camera angles and the actors are never seen when they aren't made up. Are we really to expect that these spoiled people all have jobs and go to school? Yeah right. How does one get an internship at Teen Vogue when she hasn't even started her freshman year at some third rate college anyway? I'm sure MTV and viacom had nothing to do with that.

The point is people don't care if The Hills is real or not they just want a life filled with drama. If we do have to watch these stupid shows i hope we can take something positive away from them. Lest, we simply waste 25 minutes of our lives on the show. At least we can look at the people on these shows and say, at least im not Heidi or LC, who in 10 years aren't even going to be able to gain employment in a porno.

Poor San Diego

2007-10-27T15:09:00.001-05:00

Evacuated San Diegans watch as Mt. San Miguel is ablaze on the night of October 23.

Poor San Diego, one of my favorite cities is being destroyed. Last news is that the fires are slowing due to cool weather, though

Eat Breakfast People!

2007-10-27T15:05:00.000-05:00

I've Been Harping at this forever. Pay attention, I was right.

What's Death?

2007-10-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

To go along with my post about ghosts, I think this is an important and interesting read.

"Dude! You totally Melvined Death!" Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (1991)

http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=health&category=doctors.hospitals&conitem=3920bd78cf565110VgnVCM10000013281eac____#

"The patient watched us file in. When I saw the expression on his face, my anxiety about what I was going to say seemed suddenly unimportant.

He knew. He already knew. He barely listened as I reported what we had learned from the lab. Then there was silence. He looked back at me as if I weren't there and said, "I'm going to die, aren't I?"

Return of a great

2007-10-27T14:55:00.001-05:00

does anybody remember Andy Milonakis (sp?) before we knew his name ...we just called him crispy. I have to revive this one of the greatest clips ever!

Hilarious

2007-10-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

This is AMAZING

Quit Being Crazy

2007-10-26T17:41:00.000-05:00

I think everybody has to take a good and hard look at this video. Its about how people create the drama in their lives theirselves.

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/self-sabotage/

So everyone should think about that lest their lives take a turn like these videos and everyone begins asking if they can be america's next top model

Ghosts

2007-10-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

Its the time of year when everyone becomes more interested in paranormal activity. Be it real or fake, people like being scared. When trolling youtube for something scary i came across this nugget

Check out those faces at 3:00 and 8:45. Are those masks? Are they fake? what makes someone decide that those aren't maksks and must be real ghosts?

Now, take a look at this clip which labels the ghosts for you:

Vidhya Ramasami, of Naperville, IL believe that she is being stalked by a clumsy ghost named Stevie, who likes to play tricks on her. She cites many stranges noises and occurances in her many apartments. "Ghosts are in fact real." she states finally. Is she right? or just another derranged enthusiast? What do YOU think?

HI

2007-10-26T13:11:00.000-05:00

kalissa